we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.