My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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