How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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