but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
