Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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