I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
