I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
