I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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