I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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