Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
