somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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