threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
