the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you will always have a special place in my vag
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize