so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
