my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
