3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
