remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to sanitize my soul.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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