I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
