we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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