I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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