he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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