I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
