I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
