Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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