Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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