Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
