i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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