I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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