After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
