i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
