So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
