I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
