Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
