3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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