Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
