You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
