I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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