I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
