Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
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He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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