Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
