So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
