every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
