My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
