lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
