youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
