I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
