i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
