hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
