I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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