you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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