Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
