dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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