i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
