The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
