She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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