I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We just shotgunned beers for America
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
