i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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